Sometime at the end of may I got severely sick suddenly. I was throwing up and I felt the illness come.
You know that feeling that you suddenly feel "weird"? yeah well.. that happened. I thought maybe I was just tired, but slowly my body started to ache and I was miserable.
Basically I had a bad stomach bug, I ended up in the ER because pretty sure I was dehydrated and my head was about to fall off.
The pain was unbearable.
So before I ended up in the ER I went to see a Doctor, who prescribed this strong anti nausea medicine so that maybe I could drink water without throwing it up.
Clearly the pharmacist STRONGLY suggested I stop Breastfeeding if I take that drug.
Well, I was so desperate to feel better, since a house runs ever so not smoothly without momma being healthy, I HAD TO GET BETTER.
So I nursed him the last time, it was quick, right before bed. I felt I didn't get to enjoy it cause I was in a lot of pain but I remember thinking, "this is the last nursing session".
I cried, in fact all the emotions are coming back right now typing this.
I was a mess.
A big ugly mess.
I mean I hoped that he would "wean" himself, that he would be uninterested in me and that would maybe make things easier, even though I know its hard anyways but it was much harder since neither of us was ready.
He learned to say mama that week.
When i stopped he came up to me, crying , touching my chest and saying "mamamama"
I cried more.
All I wanted to do was feed my child.
It seems so stupid perhaps since he doesn't need me solely for food, but I was devastated.
The first week, bed time was the hardest.
Our routine involved me nursing him in his room spending time kissing him and stroking his hair telling him how much i love him.
And now? it was a cup of soy milk through a straw * he has never taken a bottle* and hugs and kisses.
Something was missing... and I could not handle it.
I would run back to our room and start sobbing, ugly ugly cries to my husband.
He didn't know what to do but to say "its okay babe you did a good job"
But I was mad, he didn't understand what it felt like to nurse a child, the joys and pain it brought me.
I remember how difficult it was the first 3 months of nursing, that I would count down the months thinking " only 9 more months.. only...."
Then when his first birthday came, the time I planned on weaning him, i realized I was not ready to do it.
Then the sickness from hell took place.
I loved nursing him.
And the ugly cries happend for a week.
Until I was able to get ahold of myself, and realize I had done a good job, that I need to let my son grow up.
I guess I felt I was losing my "baby" and now looking at a big boy grow.
I took it as a lesson that I needed to let go of my fear of watching him grow.
I felt better and happier.
And now? I have the best memories of our breastfeeding time.
Its the best thing I have done in my life, is the time spent with him.